It's 12.52 a.m now. I should probably be sleeping or at least try to sleep.But I made no attempts in both.Reasons being, lite fm is playing some really good music. School commences tomorrow and I'm pretty excited .I've got the rest I yearned for. Now, its finally time for me to push myself really hard!!! Easier said then done...

I love blogging.This is probably random but I love blogging. I've been a constant blogger for years and the passion never wears off.Maybe once or twice but I got over it eventually. Blogging gives me that measure of excitement, and adrenaline rush. I feel sincere, genuine and honest. Because it's much easier conveying honest opinions, thoughts and rants by writing rather than to a person, an individual. I love letting my thoughts run and my fingers doing the magic.Blogging to me is something that can be done when the mood kicks in. So of late , I've been perusing my older posts and at times I really want to go back to embrace that similar feeling, that similar excitement or sorrows I'd when writing it. And there's this particular one that I'll never forget how I wrote it from the place I wrote it to the fat ball of tears that wet my face. And I still feel emotional perusing it after such a long time.

That apart, I spend my holidays watching lots of movies and perusing  storybooks. And I know I sound really pathetic now.Hahahha..blame it on those sad romance movies!!!! Yeah and  I finally finished watching Grey's season 6. It was EPIC..

I felt  it's only a matter of time for me to do things that will bring me to the next chapter of my life.Yeah and the songs in lite fm are real good now and I can't bring myself to bed right now!!!! I miss Sue Ann:- random but again honest opinion.I miss Lynnette too.Lots of catching up to do.

HERE IT IS

Good things happen to those who tried hard or at least tried their level best. And excellent results come with efforts not mediocre, but great and hard.

So yeah..My results are out!!! It was one of the worst but yet it wasn't astonishing.I half-expected that it'll turn out worst , much much worst, but it wasn't too bad. Here is it. My very first screwed up exam.

I reckon this is somehow good. It's like a boost, somehow like a tough lesson learnt. I somehow feel there's no point going on about certain things and I feel different.Just different.

I  was suppose to write a happy entry about my recent short trip to Penang, the place I always call home and a long long entry about my dad. I'll try tomorrow!!!

For once after a long long time , I felt alone.

The whole feeling just kicked in today and I'd never felt like this for eons. Reasons being, I'm on a two weeks term long break and practically ALL my friends are busy with their stuffs.I miss those days where I could just pick up the telephone, punched in a number knowing that someone will be ready to hear me out.These days are different.

And I'm feeling very disturbed now for God knows why!!!

I'm finally done with my very first college exam. Good experience though besides the fact that I'd completely flunk every single paper...accounting in particular. And this time it's for real.In high school,I used to say I screwed up  and still managed an 'A' or worst comes to worst a 'B' at least.But now in college it's a completely different scenario, 'screw' means a 'D' or a safe 'C'!!!!

Whatever happens,I'm on a two weeks long ,term break. And I can already feel the mundane feeling sinking in.This is bad.But I yearn for a rest , so no rants.

For the moments, I can't get my thoughts together..So I guess that's pretty all for now..

HAPPY READING!!!!

I  shouldn't be here in the first place but the mood to blog somehow kicked in today.Firstly, my very first college semester exams are due next week.And for the first time in my life, I genuinely could say that I'm not near an inch close to being ready for the exams. I haven't been really studying this whole year.Life's just easy going for me this year.Maybe I need a break.I've been pushing myself quite hard for the last 5 years.So yeah!!!A break but it's not for long.

On a rapturous note, we have two weeks of holidays effective immediately after the exams.I'd always like holidays after exam..And I seriously need a beach vacation..I can't wait..And my books are waiting for me to peruse them.I can hear them every time I looked at my bookshelf screaming 'PICK ME UP'..!!!!

College has been really fun these days.It's just the people in it that make it better.Me,Sue and Jun Wei had an enormous amount of fun from skipping classes to studying together to laughing at stupid jokes. Alright skipping classes are bad but a little is not toooo bad..hahhaha..The old me will shrug at the idea of skipping classes, but NEW me thinks it's alright to skip class for a good cause.Perhaps I've change.

And I like changes.Before I drift off yesterday in bed, I thought about how far I've come-not too far but far enough for me to realise certain things.My prospects and views on certain things have indeed change and these days, for the past weeks or so,I felt it:-the change,the whole feeling and its exciting.I need this, an adrenaline push.Though it'll wears off soon.I get bored like real fast.

I'm looking forward to what life can offer me.Because my life had change tremendously throughout the years and these changes have drive me into becoming someone , not to sure whether its good or bad.But one thing  for sure-there are certain principles in my life that I'll NEVER deviate from.

Alright I should be studying now and I'm gonna change my blog's template like real soon and a chat box..I know I need that.

Love,
Zhen

Quick one!!!

A quick one..It's 10 minutes past bedtime already..Life so far had been great excluding the pressure and the fact that I'm about to sit for a very important exam in weeks....And for the first time in my life,I felt pressured academically..I felt it and its bad...

On another note, I realised school is getting better these days...Somehow or rather I still prefer using school instead of college..Anyway classes become less mundane just by a little-insignificantly and after school discussions just got better punctuated with chortles and random stuffs..Me,Sue and Jun are just capable of doing things beyond human capacity...

Maybe its only me who realise this change but I'm pretty adamant about it......

4 Months and That's it!!!

I always knew I was that girl.That  girl who never gives up easily and whose life was filled with incessant perseverance and determination.That girl who have her life goals set out and work hard towards it.But today,I was no longer that girl.I found myself looking at the mirror and I saw a different individual staring back at me.A girl who takes life for granted and never trying hard enough to meet her goals..
And for the first time this year,I prayed so hard for this new me to just vanish and disappear..


I found myself comparing the similarities in me during primary school and now..And I certainly could name a lot.But those years in primary school are the years that I would very much hope to put aside..Because though those years were filled with memories that proved difficult to get rid of,those were the years that I regretted much,that I wished I could put more effort it..And I certainly wish and pray that my years in college aren't like those years in primary.


On the other hand, high school had taught me lots.And those years in high school were the years I would never regret of the things I'd done.


And come to think of it,I'm 4 months into college..And what have I done so far..what have I done????


Nothing that would make me proud of myself..This time last year or the year before last,I was already soaring academically or had partially achieved my goals in high school..


Now that I am hit with a pang of realisation,it was already quite too late for me..This 4 months are the disgrace in my life and I never wish to prolong it further.

Blogging n Diary

There are certain thoughts and perceptions that you just can't open up and share with people...These thoughts will end up in diary..On the other note,there are happy,elated stories that are worth sharing..These stories end up in your blog...

But for the moment,I have no stories worth sharing with but lots of thoughts and perceptions lingering in my mind...So I seek comfort in my diary!!!That's for now!!!!

And I'm glad that the spelling check icon is back..Or was it here for some time..I haven't been blogging in eons!!!!So yeah!!!!Back to studying law!!!!

I'm seriously mad right now..Like pissed....

Some people are just plain selfish...Self-centered...I just can't believe myself...Myself for being friends with people who are just plain self-centered...what's more...I tolerated her for years....I certainly can't see the logic behind it..

It's just plain childish the way she acts..She still thinks I'm the old me...The old me who can still tolerate that degree of attitude she possesed...Somehow or rather, I seemed to be fine with what she does few years back but today,I can't ,I just can't. Perhaps I did change..Or rather I would say I'm not living the life the way she wants me too..

If ever,she happens to stumble across my blog,yeah!!!Here it is!!Here's how I feel about you all along!!

And yeah,I sort of feel better now..I seldom blog when I'm mad...But somehow I'm doing it now...Inspired by Sue I guess...It feels so good....Damn she's good

Years don't count

Someone once told me that years don't count when it comes to friendships.I argued back and shrugged her off. I personally feel that a strong and rigid relationship needs years to build.That amount of trust and connection you have for someone,it takes years!!!

Today however,I choose to believe the opposite.Time indeed, proves to me that  years don't count when it comes to relationships.And at this point of my life ,i strongly believe that all that matters now is your genuine and honest perceptions about people.I'm fully adamant now that years don't act as a determinant in measuring the value of friendship.

There's this certain phase of your life that you realise that you are feigning all these while.But all you can do back then is just to ignore that tiny feeling and move on.But when you finally move on for real,then will you realise how foolish you are.

When it comes to relationships,friendships in particular self-centered and selfishness are not in my dictionary.And when you have that capability of commiting something outside my degree of tolerance,again and again,all I could tell you is that it's over.

There's just this gap,however diminished in size it is,it's still there.I'm also determine that I would be better off with people whom I just met.It's just that feeling!!!!

The moral of the story is: YEARS DON'T COUNT!!!

The mood of blogging hasn't really kick these past few days if not weeks.

So yeah!!! I just had the most powerful  nap in three months.Naps just work wonders..Trust me..Since I'm already here, I might as well share something..If there's one significant difference in terms of routines between high school and college is the amount of naps I take in a week..Back in high school,it's nap every day.Some days naps could be as long as 4 hours,some days less..Now that I'm in college,I RARELY take naps..and if I do,I could only manage Friday evening.

Naps..yeah....today is Friday..and Friday is NAP DAY....so...I took a nap and I'd the most disturbing dreams......dreams that are so questioning...dreams that I wish I could have slept on to know the outcomes...dreams that make me question about people I knew..I dreamt about my classmates.....my new classmates..

Speaking about classmates, I felt I'm getting along very well with them.(keeps my fingers crossed)

And after an immensely long time, I really feel like studying.Studying which means going back to my old routine of strict 3 hours a day.

And I'm starting to despise the virtual world that I used to dislike back in high school,love it when college started and now in the process of despising it..

On another note,seeing my close friend in class, Sue, blogs make me feel like I should stop blogging..Her blog is so personal and happy..Perusing her blog is almost like reading happy things blog.She might sounds depressing in some of her post,but just the layout and the entire blog that just lights you up and you finally realise a crack in your smile once you're done reading.That personal touch..hard to decipher..Hahaha.

Yes or No????

You know how it feels like to start acclimatizing in a new place,new environment and then all of a sudden you are forced to go back to a place you dreaded so much...A place filled with so much memories to cherish and ponder..Memories that jog into your memory every now and then and memories that you wish you could leave behind and move on..

So yeah!!!!I half-expectedly reckon that going back to school would be fun.I was real estatic.But when the day finally arrived,and I finally walked into the school,I felt nothing.All of a sudden,it just seems like I'm walking into a place so foreign,I can barely recognize the feeling.

And today I finally realised, that when you are already part of something new or perhaps still embarking on a journey into being part of  something extraordinary,the past is just history.And history is not meant to be repeated.

Ask me now if I would want to go back to high school.The answer is a big NO.It's too late.I'd decided and  hopped into a new cab which will ride me through another extraordinary journey......

Till then,
Zhen

I'm not elated nor ravenous about my results.I'm neither happy nor sad too.My results are mediocre because academically I'm mediocre too.So no complaint!!!

So yeah!!10A's including (GCE) and a B+ for English for Science and Technology(EST).It's damn not worth it..but no complains though

Last Thursday

The last time I recalled having this adrenaline rush was three years back.And I certainly remember blogging about this too..Three years later,I'm experiencing the same rush all over again.

Today,4th March 2010,Thursday will officially be the last Thursday before my life changed.

SPM RESULTS IS COMING OUT NEXT THURSDAY!!!

Regardless of whether its good or bad(bad for sure)...my life will change somehow.Somehow or rather,I can't get my thoughts out today..but one thing's for sure

ONE WEEK BEFORE MY ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED!!!!

Me,Friends and College(Amended version)

With a wool towel still wrapped neatly around my body,I settled on the nearest chair.Tonight I've one thing on my mind and I vow to finish it with this entry.No more procrastination.I'll do it today or never again.

I just came back from a long match of tennis after eons.I haven't been perspiring so much for the last time I remembered was a fortnight ago.Tennis has always been an inspiration to me.After an immeasurable period of time, today I'm finally going back to my strict training schedule.I was forced to put my training on hold for reasons not worth sharing with.Enough said for tennis.Moving on to the main agenda.

College had kicked in for almost two months now.And if there's one thing I realised from even the first month,I would eventually have trouble coping and adapting to this life.I am a change person now.A completely transformed version of myself.And the last thing I have in mind,is to get absorbed into my new self.Because the new me is not worth maintaining.

I had deviate from the rigid principles that I adhered to strongly.And I tried so hard to be part of something.It's not me.The old me was a person who hated feigning and despised the mere fact that things can change if you push harder.

Since I'm already halfway through,I might as well finish it.From the first day of college till today,I'd never felt like I belong to my new circle of friends.I can be surrounded by a cacaphony of human voices but in my head I'm alone.I could be laughing from the outside but inside its empty.I tried.I pushed so hard but time proved everything.Deep down,I knew it's never going to work.I would never get along well enough with my new circle of friends.And today out of all days,I felt its enough.Enough of feigning to be ravenous when I'm not.Enough of opening up to friends I barely knew for two months.

I listen to my instincts too much at times.I follow what my heart says and not what's logical.Despite the fact that I knew it's never going to work well enough between me and my new classmates,I'm adamant there is a minority out of them that I feel I'll grow closer to.

To Sue, I opened up to you too much for a friend of two months.Not too bad,huh.To Jun wei, you give the most inspiring lectures in the world.To Kelvin,its unusual-you're almost like a younger version of my brother which I missed so much now that he's grown up.

It's unfair for me to list down names but that's how I really felt all along.And if I can't be honest verbally,my blog will be the source to do the magic.

And for now,I'm going to stop thinking,trying and feigning so hard to be part of the circle.I want to adapt and acclimatize so badly.But the process had lead me into neglecting my responsibility as a friend,a student,a sister and most of all a daughter.My family is my priority and I never would dare to fathom who am I today without them.

Feel it

College had never been dreary for me ever since it kicked off.I completely adore every single detail of it which include meeting new people.Today however was a day I felt completely unusual.The feeling was bizarre and weird.For the first time today,I felt lost.I felt out of place almost like being isolated.Today I found myself struggling adapting to my circle of new friends.The feeling was strange.Just strange almost like I knew I wouldn't grow closer to them.

However I'm adamant that it's just a 'feeling' I'll get over with soon.Perhaps I'm just being paranoid or maybe hypochondriac...Hahaha..like I always do

Insane

To jot down every single details about college would be preposterous.Ever since college started,I found blogging a very difficult task in the sense of I can no longer express my thoughts like how I used to.It used to be magical:-like my thoughts flow and my fingers do the magic.It's no longer like this anymore.The passion is gone.It's no more there:-the sheer excitement,the joy when I click "Publish Post", it's just not there anymore.

The mere thought of deleting this whole blog just doesn't seem like a good idea to me.This blog although not long,had captured the happiest and worst moments in my life.It was my source to convey my thoughts when I find it difficult to do verbally.

On whether I should stop blogging or not,I'll take my time to ponder about it.When I'm ready,followers of my blog will therefore be inform.The verdict for now is still unwritten.

College in a word:Fun

One word to describe college:excitement..It's the adrenaline rush you have every morning when you open your closet,run through breakfast,board the bus and walk into class.And without the amazing friends engulfing me,college would be dreary.

I'D FINISHED A SEMICIRCLE

I just came out from a steaming hot shower,my clean and wet body still wrapped tightly in a wool towel.I love wools.I have so much to blog ,I don't know where to start.Lets get it done one at a time.Slowly....
I just came back from a short vacation in Penang.It was so much fun.So so much.I'll probably leave vacation in Penang for the next post.Next year la...

So yeah!!!180th post and I'd finished a semi-circle.Glad I came so far.Too far,I realised.

2009 was a great year.Although 2008 was a far better year for me, but its always the harder years you'll remember most.A year that pushes me so far, and now when I looked back I actually realized that I'd done it.Besides,what's life without hardships.My father always says 'Imagine everything you planned just falling into place.Wouldn't life be perfect??' If there is one thing the year 2009 had taught me,it will surely be that life is not as easy as I'd thought. Quoting my dad 'Suffer first,enjoy later'.

Perhaps I did change.A lot.I just didn't see it.This time round,I wouldn't have so much fun anymore without feeling guilty.It's different now.

As for New Year's resolution,I have none to be honest.At times,I feel like a passenger just moving through,stopping by just to get a glimpse of what the year could offer and then start moving again to continue the journey of life.I yearn for a destination.

Dan Brown

I love Dan Brown.So, so love.You know as the saying goes:-Each and every one of us have hidden talents beneath us that sometimes we do it so regularly and we're unaware of it.So I didn't discover my hidden talent,not yet.Maybe I would never will.However,I discovered and found something that made me happy besides keeping me away from my nails biting habit.I do it regularly out of joy.

I LOVE HISTORY

So what!!!!To be honest and frank,history had never been boring with me.Friends,if you hear me saying history is boring,I was probably feigning so as not to be left out.History excites me.I can sit for hours reading everything about Queen Victoria's reign in Wikipedia.Yeah, royalty sums up with history will give me a total of excitement.Going back to Dan Brown,I love him because he makes me discover unusual,mystery stuffs.

His first book I read was "The Da Vinci Code".Fact or myth,I totally loved it.Then,I read "Angels and Demons" followed by The Lost Symbol.And I know Brown wrote five novels to be exact.Because three of his writings involved the same character,Robert Langdon,I sort have a strange connection to it.And to read two of his other books will be difficult because I love Robert Langdon.It's almost like reading Sophie Kinsellas' without Rebecca Bloomwood.That's how I feel.

I just finished perusing The Lost Symbol and I'm all about the Masons and Noetic Science.Go Google Noetic Science.It's so interesting.Do you know that human souls have mass?????

Daydreaming is one of my favourite pastimes.So I thought like maybe when I finished my studies,maybe I can work in a palace.Not the Malaysia istana, la.To be part of the England's royalty household.I wouldn't mind how much they pay.I just love the idea of working in a palace.To be honest,I don't mind being a door woman or maybe nanny.