I'm not elated nor ravenous about my results.I'm neither happy nor sad too.My results are mediocre because academically I'm mediocre too.So no complaint!!!

So yeah!!10A's including (GCE) and a B+ for English for Science and Technology(EST).It's damn not worth it..but no complains though

Last Thursday

The last time I recalled having this adrenaline rush was three years back.And I certainly remember blogging about this too..Three years later,I'm experiencing the same rush all over again.

Today,4th March 2010,Thursday will officially be the last Thursday before my life changed.

SPM RESULTS IS COMING OUT NEXT THURSDAY!!!

Regardless of whether its good or bad(bad for sure)...my life will change somehow.Somehow or rather,I can't get my thoughts out today..but one thing's for sure

ONE WEEK BEFORE MY ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED!!!!

Me,Friends and College(Amended version)

With a wool towel still wrapped neatly around my body,I settled on the nearest chair.Tonight I've one thing on my mind and I vow to finish it with this entry.No more procrastination.I'll do it today or never again.

I just came back from a long match of tennis after eons.I haven't been perspiring so much for the last time I remembered was a fortnight ago.Tennis has always been an inspiration to me.After an immeasurable period of time, today I'm finally going back to my strict training schedule.I was forced to put my training on hold for reasons not worth sharing with.Enough said for tennis.Moving on to the main agenda.

College had kicked in for almost two months now.And if there's one thing I realised from even the first month,I would eventually have trouble coping and adapting to this life.I am a change person now.A completely transformed version of myself.And the last thing I have in mind,is to get absorbed into my new self.Because the new me is not worth maintaining.

I had deviate from the rigid principles that I adhered to strongly.And I tried so hard to be part of something.It's not me.The old me was a person who hated feigning and despised the mere fact that things can change if you push harder.

Since I'm already halfway through,I might as well finish it.From the first day of college till today,I'd never felt like I belong to my new circle of friends.I can be surrounded by a cacaphony of human voices but in my head I'm alone.I could be laughing from the outside but inside its empty.I tried.I pushed so hard but time proved everything.Deep down,I knew it's never going to work.I would never get along well enough with my new circle of friends.And today out of all days,I felt its enough.Enough of feigning to be ravenous when I'm not.Enough of opening up to friends I barely knew for two months.

I listen to my instincts too much at times.I follow what my heart says and not what's logical.Despite the fact that I knew it's never going to work well enough between me and my new classmates,I'm adamant there is a minority out of them that I feel I'll grow closer to.

To Sue, I opened up to you too much for a friend of two months.Not too bad,huh.To Jun wei, you give the most inspiring lectures in the world.To Kelvin,its unusual-you're almost like a younger version of my brother which I missed so much now that he's grown up.

It's unfair for me to list down names but that's how I really felt all along.And if I can't be honest verbally,my blog will be the source to do the magic.

And for now,I'm going to stop thinking,trying and feigning so hard to be part of the circle.I want to adapt and acclimatize so badly.But the process had lead me into neglecting my responsibility as a friend,a student,a sister and most of all a daughter.My family is my priority and I never would dare to fathom who am I today without them.

Feel it

College had never been dreary for me ever since it kicked off.I completely adore every single detail of it which include meeting new people.Today however was a day I felt completely unusual.The feeling was bizarre and weird.For the first time today,I felt lost.I felt out of place almost like being isolated.Today I found myself struggling adapting to my circle of new friends.The feeling was strange.Just strange almost like I knew I wouldn't grow closer to them.

However I'm adamant that it's just a 'feeling' I'll get over with soon.Perhaps I'm just being paranoid or maybe hypochondriac...Hahaha..like I always do

Insane

To jot down every single details about college would be preposterous.Ever since college started,I found blogging a very difficult task in the sense of I can no longer express my thoughts like how I used to.It used to be magical:-like my thoughts flow and my fingers do the magic.It's no longer like this anymore.The passion is gone.It's no more there:-the sheer excitement,the joy when I click "Publish Post", it's just not there anymore.

The mere thought of deleting this whole blog just doesn't seem like a good idea to me.This blog although not long,had captured the happiest and worst moments in my life.It was my source to convey my thoughts when I find it difficult to do verbally.

On whether I should stop blogging or not,I'll take my time to ponder about it.When I'm ready,followers of my blog will therefore be inform.The verdict for now is still unwritten.

College in a word:Fun

One word to describe college:excitement..It's the adrenaline rush you have every morning when you open your closet,run through breakfast,board the bus and walk into class.And without the amazing friends engulfing me,college would be dreary.

I'D FINISHED A SEMICIRCLE

I just came out from a steaming hot shower,my clean and wet body still wrapped tightly in a wool towel.I love wools.I have so much to blog ,I don't know where to start.Lets get it done one at a time.Slowly....
I just came back from a short vacation in Penang.It was so much fun.So so much.I'll probably leave vacation in Penang for the next post.Next year la...

So yeah!!!180th post and I'd finished a semi-circle.Glad I came so far.Too far,I realised.

2009 was a great year.Although 2008 was a far better year for me, but its always the harder years you'll remember most.A year that pushes me so far, and now when I looked back I actually realized that I'd done it.Besides,what's life without hardships.My father always says 'Imagine everything you planned just falling into place.Wouldn't life be perfect??' If there is one thing the year 2009 had taught me,it will surely be that life is not as easy as I'd thought. Quoting my dad 'Suffer first,enjoy later'.

Perhaps I did change.A lot.I just didn't see it.This time round,I wouldn't have so much fun anymore without feeling guilty.It's different now.

As for New Year's resolution,I have none to be honest.At times,I feel like a passenger just moving through,stopping by just to get a glimpse of what the year could offer and then start moving again to continue the journey of life.I yearn for a destination.

Dan Brown

I love Dan Brown.So, so love.You know as the saying goes:-Each and every one of us have hidden talents beneath us that sometimes we do it so regularly and we're unaware of it.So I didn't discover my hidden talent,not yet.Maybe I would never will.However,I discovered and found something that made me happy besides keeping me away from my nails biting habit.I do it regularly out of joy.

I LOVE HISTORY

So what!!!!To be honest and frank,history had never been boring with me.Friends,if you hear me saying history is boring,I was probably feigning so as not to be left out.History excites me.I can sit for hours reading everything about Queen Victoria's reign in Wikipedia.Yeah, royalty sums up with history will give me a total of excitement.Going back to Dan Brown,I love him because he makes me discover unusual,mystery stuffs.

His first book I read was "The Da Vinci Code".Fact or myth,I totally loved it.Then,I read "Angels and Demons" followed by The Lost Symbol.And I know Brown wrote five novels to be exact.Because three of his writings involved the same character,Robert Langdon,I sort have a strange connection to it.And to read two of his other books will be difficult because I love Robert Langdon.It's almost like reading Sophie Kinsellas' without Rebecca Bloomwood.That's how I feel.

I just finished perusing The Lost Symbol and I'm all about the Masons and Noetic Science.Go Google Noetic Science.It's so interesting.Do you know that human souls have mass?????

Daydreaming is one of my favourite pastimes.So I thought like maybe when I finished my studies,maybe I can work in a palace.Not the Malaysia istana, la.To be part of the England's royalty household.I wouldn't mind how much they pay.I just love the idea of working in a palace.To be honest,I don't mind being a door woman or maybe nanny.

Yesterday and Today

Seconds tick,hours pass, days gone by,friends change but nothing in me change since then.Nothing.I still love dancing to the sounds of Schubert in the dark.I still love the taste of my nails.I still cry in bed,falling asleep in the end.I still let the hot tears flow into my goggles when I swim.I still love swimming and tennis as ever.I still love playing dress up when no one's at home.

So yeah!!!My dad was like telling me that he never regretted placing me in public school 5 years ago.He never told me the reason for it.But I could guess.Perhaps in these 5 years, I'd mature more than ever.And yes!!!!!5 years was like enlightenment for me.I learnt the harsh reality of life,of not taking the easy way out and most of all standing up to what I believe most.I fought hard for what I want and not take life for granted.I understood hardships and how money plays such important roles in some people's life.

I did not change completely.I mature.I'm still the same girl inside.The same girl who would splash her money buying a new swimsuit for her friend's pool party.The girl who gossips in the loo.And most importantly the girl who stands by her best friend when she's in trouble.

What's different now and then would be:-I won't splash my money buying a new swimsuit when I already have one.

Perhaps,I did change.She's right.

What Happened???

Few months back, I was all full of ideas on how to uplift my blog, one of which was to transform it to a royalty page.That was few months ago.Today, however I feel the other way round.I feel like shutting it for good.For good.No more rants,no more pathetic sighs.Why bother managing a blog when you can't really express your true thoughts about things???My point is that not all things are worth sharing to others.

On a lighter and more ravenous note, I watched The Young Victoria for the third time.I promised if you're up for something romantic and elegant,this is it.You've gotta watch this.Its much, much like 4x much better than any pathetic romance movies.I still feel emotional despite watching it for the third time.Trust me.You'll adore it.

New doesn't always means good

I very much adore the fact that there's only 9 days left for the 'DAY'.The reason is of course not because I'm ready for it.I'm not ready and I'll never will be ready for it.Give me another month,another year and my answer will still be not ready.The fact is obvious-I'm never perfect,I'm a mediocre and I disguise it.I dislike it to the very end.

I dream so much.My blog's moniker is 'DARE TO DREAM'.I have such high hopes,such high aims which are almost impossible to accomplish.No more mansions,no more air-conditioned latrines.I want Prince Harry now.Can you believe it???How your fantasies can bring you so far sometimes???And I'm adamant that Prince Harry is not another celebrity crush.I'm already living in a virtual world.So my point is that,I have such vast,huge dreams but nil efforts.So how now????

Major exam in 8 days to be accurate and no extra efforts.

And by the way new doesn't always means good.

I hate birthdays.I never like it.I just don't like it.No,there are no specific incidents that made me hate birthdays.I just hate my birthday.Not others.

I was in a state of quandary on whether I should or should not sing tomorrow.So I've make up my mind.I will be singing tomorrow.

I just finished perusing The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.A bit too late, huh.All this while the book had been lying untouched in my study.The reason was obvious-I thought it would turn out to be another non-fiction,science type of book.It didn't and surprisingly I like it.

Wow

Grey's Anatomy Season 6 is out.I can't wait.Will it be Izzie or O Malley???

Pangkor Version II

Now that I'm back from Golden Sand(another name for Pangkor),I really need to concentrate on shedding some serious weight.Second time round and I can tell you that the excitement and energy were still hard to bear.We chose to accommodate in the same resort,the mere fact that it's posh and they have beautiful,private beaches(ignore the total damage caused).You know when I say private beaches,it means that you don't share it with outsiders.For instance,If you happen to go to Penang,even in the most expensive hotels outsiders can just walk in and use the beach.And that explains why they have dirty beaches.In this resort however,outsiders are not allowed and you can't just walk in.You have to endure a 30-minutes ferry ride to get there and the ferry rides are exorbitant and exclusive.Outsiders wouldn't want to endure long,expensive ferry rides.That explains it.

Another obvious reason why I'd chose this resort is that you can't go anywhere.The point is that you got nowhere to go.It's an island and the only mode of transport is a ferry.You feel like you're in a foreign,new and not so 'Malaysiaish' place.You see 'mat sallehs' ' everywhere,every corner.The fact that they walk around naked bring you further away.However this is only true until you see 'nasi lemak' for breakfast.

Check out all the pictures at my Facebook.

I didn't get a chance to tell you about my previous trip right there.But taking another journey down memory lane was hard to resist, too hard that I'd almost cried on the last night of our stay.I learnt myriad things:-ride a bicycle,play ping-pong.

The date is set.Last minute preparations are immense.Everyone is elated and not to mention enthusiastic as the day approaches.If everything goes on as scheduled,I,Tan Pei Zhen and family will be making another trip down to Pangkor.

Yeah,I try to make it sound like a wedding is about to take place.Nah,anyway I'm extremely ravenous.A break,finally.I basically spent the past few days Googling Princess Diana:- everything about her from A-Z.I just adore her in every way.A princess-every one's dream to be one,huh.

I'm staying up late today to catch up MTV Video Music Awards.8tv better be right this time.Till then,I'll see all of you again on Thursday.

Dare to Believe

All my years of schooling,I always believe that just a little bit more effort, a little bit more hard work you can easily make your way to the top of your class.And 11 years of schooling also bring me to realise that working hard and putting more efforts doesn't apply to me.Not because I'm a slow learner or I'm dumb but just the fact I get enthusiastic so fast.I have such high hopes and the next minute I find myself crumbling down.I always have these visions of me doing very well in exams (which never happen).And these visions are the culprits to all my sleepless nights,my very first teenage depression and me being dubbed 'Cranko' by some of my friends.The more I bring myself to think about it,the situation becomes worst.I became more and more anxious,more excited and the outcome became unbearable.

So I'd decided to let my dreams and visions flow.I rather choose to stay moderate and modest than ruining my life.Sometimes what's not yours is not yours.I believe the day will come where I'll strive-maybe by than it'll be million times greater than this.So I'd stop trying.

Damn it!!!What took me so long to figure it out??

It's difficult to move on with life,feigning and faking when you know what's really happening.And to top up my frustration,this is the first thing that greets me when I surf the net.

They're back together.

I'm done with B.M,Sej and by tomorrow English.B.M turns out to be freaking difficult.Of course,its BM what no surprise.I guessed I screwed up paper 2-the literature part.I hate literature and to worsen things up its in BM???Sejarah didn't turn out to what I'd expected.I thought I was going to damage the entire paper 2.But not too bad, it turns out well.Enough to get what I deserve.English is basically English.But I thought I ruined my essays also.Enough said.Conclusion is that I screwed up most of my papers.

You know sometimes I wonder and ponder how some people move on with their lives so easily.How they can adapt and acclimatize to a new culture so easily??To leave a bunch of friends,move on and lead life somewhere new.Honestly if it's me,I think it'll not be easy.Very random,I know-can't help it.